


Writer's Block

by sirius17black



Category: K-pop, Monsta X (Band)
Genre: Alternate Universe - After College/University, Alternate Universe - College/University, Alternate Universe - Roommates/Housemates, Best Friends, Boyfriends, Bromance, Businessman Changkyun, CEO Wonho, Complicated Relationships, Fluff and Angst, HyungWonho - Freeform, Journalist Kihyun, M/M, Manager Jooheon, Model Hyungwon, Post-Break Up, Showki, Successful Professionals, Writer Shownu, artist minhyuk, college students, jookyun - Freeform, showhyuk - Freeform
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2020-08-01
Updated: 2020-08-05
Packaged: 2021-03-06 03:33:30
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 14
Words: 7,838
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/25646617
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/sirius17black/pseuds/sirius17black
Summary: It's already been three years. It's been too long to still call it a writer's block.
Relationships: Chae Hyungwon/Lee Hoseok | Wonho, Im Changkyun | I.M/Lee Jooheon, Im Changkyun | I.M/Yoo Kihyun, Lee Minhyuk/Son Hyunwoo | Shownu, Lee Minhyuk/Son Hyunwoo | Shownu/Yoo Kihyun, Son Hyunwoo | Shownu/Yoo Kihyun
Comments: 8
Kudos: 23





	1. BOOK COVER

**Author's Note:**

> For everyone who still keeps on fighting, even if it hurts.


	2. WRITER'S BLOCK: CHAPTER ONE

He stares at the white screen, as the cursor repeatedly blinks in front of him.

_Another day without writing a single word._

He really doesn't have any motivation to write. Maybe, except for the fact that he needs to keep feeding himself.

His past written novels are still selling in the market. So, he still gets his paychecks from his royalties, from time to time. The only problem is that his publishing company is already pressuring him into writing a new one.

At first, the CEO understands what he's going through. But he's been struggling to come up with new ideas for three years, now. It's just right that he's now being slaps back to reality...

****

"Hyunwoo, I understand that what happened was very difficult for you. But I don't think he would be happy seeing you like this, dude..."

_Difficult would've been an understatement._

"Besides, business is business."

He suddenly scoffed when he heard that phrase. Of course. That was the main reason why they needed him to write again.

_Money._

Wonho sighed. "Look. I know what you're thinking. But this is not only for the company. I'm also doing this for you. I'm not just the CEO. I'm also your friend. If you won't start writing again, the company will have no choice but to sue you. Remember, what was written in the contract? One book per year!"

****

Hyunwoo closes his eyes and releases a deep sigh. Wonho might have been annoying with all that nagging, but Hyunwoo knew he was right.

The CEO was already kind enough to let him take a break for that long. It would've been easily taken as a breach of contract, but Wonho successfully made up excuses for him in front of the Board of Directors. But, three years have been too long to still call it a writer's block.

_If it is already 'too long', how come the feeling is still the same, like it happened yesterday?_

His phone beeps; revealing a message from his manager, Jooheon.

** Hey, hyung! How's writing?  **   
** I set an appointment for you tomorrow, morning. **   
** You will be interviewed about your next novel. **   
** Don't worry, there won't be any personal questions. **

He lets out a groan after reading it and closes his laptop with force.

He hates interviews. Why are they making a big deal out of it? He's an author not a celebrity, for Pete's sake.


	3. WRITER'S BLOCK: CHAPTER TWO

Hyunwoo wants to dishevel everything in this room.

_Not personal, my ass._

The fact that Kihyun is the one who is here to interview him already feels like an invasion of his personal space...

"So, Mr. Shownu, when did you decide that you wanted to be a writer?" He asks him.

"I think you already know the answer to that question, Kihyun." He replies, in a deadpan tone.

Kihyun clears his throat and tries to muster a smile. He reaches for the tape recorder that is place in the table between them, and clicks it to a pause.

"I know that this situation is very awkward for you." He says, in a stern voice. "But can we try to act like an adult and a professional here?"

Hyunwoo can't help but chuckle at that. And it causes Kihyun to raise his eyebrows.

"What's so funny?" He asks.

"Nothing." Hyunwoo quickly answers.

It's not really smart to say to a person that they haven't change at all, after all these years.

_Especially if that person is your first love._

Hyunwoo quickly shakes his thoughts away. It's not appropriate to think about things like that, from now on.

When he finally looks up at Kihyun again. Hyunwoo finds him staring at him quietly. As if, Kihyun is trying to figure out if the person in front of him is for real.

So, he straightens his back and sits properly in his chair, because Hyunwoo is fully aware that that's exactly what Kihyun is doing.

_Judging him._

Kihyun sighs, then shakes his head.

"Don't do that." Hyunwoo says to him with a furrowed expression.

"Do what?" Kihyun asks him, confused.

"Stop figuring out what's on my mind. You don't know me, anymore." He replies.

Kihyun's eyes widen at the comment and muttered what sounded like 'right'.

Kihyun let another minute passed by in silence before he pressed the play button of the recorder again. He repeated his question; as if what just happened in between never happened to begin with.

"So, Mr. Shownu, when did you decide that you wanted to become a writer?"

Hyunwoo have always been a quiet kid. He never acquired friends that easily, during his childhood. He spent his time reading books on their school library, instead of playing in the courtyard like what most of his classmates did.

That's how his dream of being an author started.

He wanted to publish his own stories, too. He wanted to induce emotion to his readers; to be able to left a part of him in this world.

That dream only intensified when Hyunwoo met him. He finally had an inspiration to write because of him.

He usually hates revealing personal things about himself. But before he knew it, he was able to finished a book of poetry with all of his feelings poured down in every word; down to the very last pages of it.

If he was asked that question three years ago, that might have been the words that came out of his mouth.

_But this isn't three years ago._

So, he smirks and said, "I guess, I've always been good at lying. I just started to create stories based on lies."

His manager promised him that there won't be any personal questions.

_Too bad._

Because every question that involves writing already became too personal for him.


	4. WRITER'S BLOCK: CHAPTER THREE

He pulls his hair hard and slightly bumps his head in his working table, repeatedly.

He used to do it with such ease. He used to be like a waterfall and all the words are like the water flowing from him.

_But now, nothing. Not even a single word._

It's not that he can't write. But more like he's not satisfied. All the words that comes out of the computer screen just gets deleted again, as soon as he types them.

He knows he lacks inspiration. He knows he needs one. But he can't find anything to inspire him.

Some authors say that when you think you can't write, just write everything that comes out of your mind, then start from there. But all of the things that comes out sounded forced to him.

Fake even.

_Maybe, you should really start writing based on lies, from now on._

This thought led him to think of three more things: his recent interview, Kihyun, and finally, the manuscript that was hidden inside the drawer of his table.

He opens the drawer and reaches out for the manuscript. He places his hand over it and slowly trace its title.

It is the last story he had written after what had happened three years ago. And the only evidence that it's already that long ago are the dust that surrounds the manuscript, and the smell of old printed paper.

Except for that, everything still looks the same. Still feels exactly the same.

He was sure back then that the manuscript will have its purpose. But he never got the courage to submit it as his final draft.

If only he's brave enough to reveal this story to everyone, his life will be much easier. He doesn't have to worry about a refrigerator without food. Or bills that keeps reaching their deadlines.

But this is not the kind of story that should be read by the public. It's not the kind of story that should be proudly shared to everyone, just to see who will they sympathize more in the end.

He can't do that.

So, he put the manuscript back in the drawer, quickly. As if hiding it quickly, will make the pain go away just as quick.

He read a long time ago that silence is a protective coating over pain. But he always wonders if what he's feeling is still pain. Or if it's already an illusion created by guilt.

And he often wonders if staying silent about it is really doing him any good, or if it's actually a sabotage he plotted for himself.


	5. WRITER'S BLOCK: CHAPTER FOUR

Hyunwoo knocks and peeks at Wonho's office.

"Come in." His friend says.

When he enters the room, he sees that Jooheon is already sitting in one of the couches. The younger boy didn't even bother to greet him.

_Weird._ He thought.

"Your secretary called me-"

Hyunwoo begins to say, but was cut short when Wonho suddenly slaps down the newspaper at the desk in front of them.

"Really, Hyunwoo? 'I'm a good liar that's why it's very easy to fool my readers that what I'm writing were not based on lies'?!"

Hyunwoo furrowed his eyebrows.

"Wha...what? Okay." He said holding up his right hand in defense. "That's obviously exaggerated! I didn't say it like that."

Hyunwoo quickly picks up the newspaper on the table and reads the article.

  
****

** 'My Readers Are Bunch of fools', Famous Novelist Shownu said. **

_Sohn Hyunwoo, more famous by his pseudonym Shownu, said that everything he writes are just based on lies._

_"I'm a good liar. That's why it's very easy to fool my readers that what I'm writing were not based on lies" he said in an interview last Monday._

_When asked to explain what he meant by it, the writer further said that people are fools and are in denial when it comes to love._

_"They just wanted to interpret it the way they want to see it. They are in denial towards the reality that there is no such thing as happily ever after."_

_Despite these beliefs, the author confirmed that he is already in the process of writing his new novel, that will be released this September._

_Mr. Shownu is the author of the two #1 bestselling novels: Warmth of Winters and Sunshine of Summers. But he suddenly went on a 3-year hiatus, after. So, fans of the said author have long anticipated his comeback._

_But, with a voice out opinion about love on hand, will he be able to satisfy the readers on his new novel? Or will his new book convince everyone that happily-ever-after are indeed just childhood fairytales?_

****

"This is clearly manipulative!" He exclaimed. "I didn't mean it that way!"

"But thinking of it, this is also your fault." He said, pointing at Wonho. "Why did you choose Kihyun of all people?" Hyunwoo continued to argue further, when the two other guys made no reply.

Wonho covers his face with both of his hands and releases a frustrated groan. "Do you really think that's what's important, right now? What you feel about Kihyun?"

"Your readers have known you for being a romanticist, hyung." Jooheon said. "This article will basically ruin your image. Writers needs to have credibility too, you know?"

Hyunwoo slumps in one of the couches across them and matches Wonho's frustration, "What do I do, then?"

"I think you have to talk to Kihyun-hyung about it." Jooheon said.

Hyunwoo doesn't have a good feeling about all of these. None at all.


	6. WRITER'S BLOCK: CHAPTER FIVE

Hyunwoo is already on his 3rd glass of service water, but Kihyun has not yet arrived.

He asked Kihyun for a lunch meeting, but it's already half past twelve.

"Sir, would you like to order, now?" The waitress asked her, for the second time.

He smiles at her apologetically and said, "Uh... can you give me five more minutes?"

"I'm sorry, sir. But it's the restaurant policy to not let any customer stay here more than fifteen minutes, without ordering."

So, even if he isn't sure if Kihyun will still show up, Hyunwoo has no choice but to already order for the both of them; a burger and spicy chicken wings.

Another couple of minutes passed when the door of the restaurant opens and Kihyun is finally the one who enters.

He is wearing a white turtleneck, top with a denim jacket, while wearing a white Nike cap. When he removes his cap, it revealed a messy soft hair with bangs covering his forehead.

It's so different from what he wears and looks like back in college.

_But, gorgeous nonetheless._

Hyunwoo stops himself from his thoughts. He quickly reminds himself that this man is the one who wrote an article that could ruin his career.

"Why were you late?" He asks Kihyun, when the man finally settles down on his sit.

"This meeting isn't really on my schedule, so I have to drop by my office first to arrange some things. Then, it was a little bit traffic on the way here." He replies, looking at the food on their table.

"Are you sure it wasn't intentional?" Hyunwoo asks, suspiciously.

Kihyun raises his head and finally looks at him, "What?"

"It's just that, you wrote bad things about me, Kihyun. I can't believe you did that. Just like how you're late, today. It isn't like you." He says.

Wonho told him that the only thing he has to do is to convince Kihyun to write another article about him. But he can't help but accused Kihyun of not being himself.

"Maybe you're right. Maybe, we just don't know each other, anymore."

Hyunwoo takes a deep breath, "Look. I'm not here to argue with you, okay?"

"I'm here to ask you for a favor. Please write another article about me. But, with good comments this time; instead of a defamatory one." He continues to explain.

Kihyun scowls at him, then starts picking at his food before asking, "What's in it for me?"

Hyunwoo knows he'll asked that so, he came prepared. He takes out the manuscript in his satchel and puts it on the table between them.

"Here." He says to Kihyun.

Kihyun takes it and reads the title in almost a whisper, "What Happens When You Left."

He didn't say a word after that. And when he finally looks at Hyunwoo again, his eyes were widened with hint of tears around them.

"What is this about?" He finally asks.

"This is a story I've written three years ago. When everyone thought I'm on hiatus from writing because of a writer's block."

Kihyun shakes his head in disbelief, "I mean, why are you giving this to me?"

Hyunwoo sighs. He doesn't want to. But he has no choice. It's the only way he knows how to convince Kihyun.

"Read it. Then, I'll let you decide. If what I said in the interview is the truth or if I deserve to have another article written." He replies.

Kihyun laughs bitterly and shakes his head again, "It's not like I wrote lies in that article, Hyunwoo. I just wrote about what you said."

_Well, that's true._

But he didn't expect Kihyun to interpret it that way. As silly as it may sound, he trusted that Kihyun will write it in a nice way. Or maybe changed his answers to the one he knows he should've said.

Kihyun checks his wristwatch to check the time, "I have to go."

"What? You just got here! And you barely touch your meal!" Hyunwoo says in almost a desperation.

Kihyun gives him a tight-lip bitter smile. "The only thing you need from me is an article, Hyunwoo. Don't worry. I'll read this and consider your offer. Thanks for remembering that chicken is my favorite." He quickly stood up and didn't even wait for Hyunwoo's response as he bids his goodbye.

But halfway towards the door he looks back at Hyunwoo, again.

"Next time, instead of doing all these..." He said gesturing at their table and the both of them, "how about just make a good impression on your future interviews?"

Hyunwoo was left in his sit stunned.

What Kihyun had said made him realized that no matter how well you know a person, being far away from them for years will make you both strangers to each other.

Or maybe, it's the pain they felt that changed the both of them.


	7. WHAT HAPPENS WHEN YOU LEFT

**_ 1 _ **

I look around the room, that was once full of life. But now, it's filled with boxes.

There are just a few things that I needed to pack. And after that, I'm ready to move out.

_I'm ready to move on with life._

As I look around, there was an old photograph that caught my eye. It's a picture we took way back, Autumn of 2013.

I took the frame and observe the picture.

We were at a restaurant at that time, still wearing our uniforms.

Despite having different majors, the seven of us were all close because we all live in a dormitory, inside the university.

Wonho, Jooheon and I were staying in room 306, while Kihyun, Minhyuk and Changkyun were in 305. Hyungwon was the only one who didn't have a roommate within us. But we got to know him through Minhyuk, who had the same art class and major, as him.

The four of us who were older were already in our 3rd year college. Hyungwon and Jooheon were 2nd years, and Changkyun just started his college life, that year.

Wonho, Jooheon, and Changkyun studied business management. Minhyuk and Hyungwon, on the other hand, were fine art students. While Kihyun and I were both journalism students.

The photo we took was our first picture together. We were all smiling and some of us were even laughing.

No one will have a clue that it was actually the first and the last night that we got to eat together, as seven.

*********

**_4 years earlier..._ **

I was laughing at something silly that Jooheon had said. Or maybe it was Minhyuk. I couldn't remember; because the next thing I noticed was Kihyun barely touching his food.

"What's wrong?" I asked, slightly squeezing his right arm.

"Nothing." He said with a smile, but it didn't reach his eyes. So, I knew he wasn't telling the truth.

Kihyun and I used to have a connection. Words weren't needed for us to communicate. Every gesture, every look, and every expression were known.

"I have to leave." Kihyun finally said.

"I'll go with you." I replied, already getting ready to wear my jacket.

He was always with me. We had the same major. We took the same classes. We lived in the same dormitory, and have the same group of friends.

So, I thought he just wanted to go back in his room and rest. But it was clearly more complicated than that.

"No, I mean, I have to leave Korea."

Every conversation in our table died down.

I wasn't sure how to react, at that time. So, I laughed it off like it was kind of a sick joke. "What?" I asked him.

"I got accepted for the internship I applied for in US." He explained. "I also have an aunt there, so I don't have to worry about my living expenses."

"And you didn't even bother telling us, until now?" Minhyuk asked, bitterly.

"This is not about you, Min. This is about my dream. An opportunity to become a famous journalist."

"What about your boyfriend?" Minhyuk retorted, pointing at my direction.

"He's not my boyfriend."

It was true. Everyone knew it was the truth. But the gasped from the rest of the guys still didn't go unnoticed. And no matter how truthful those words were, it still left me heartbroken.

"I'm sorry." Kihyun said to me, clearly shocked by his own words.

I smiled sincerely at him and shook my head, to tell him that it was just okay.

Kihyun and I first met in one of our classes, before I knew that we were neighbors at the dorms. There was an instant connection between us. But despite knowing our feelings for each other, we both agreed that being in a relationship wasn't our main priority at that time.

That was why a part of me wasn't shocked that he chose to pursue his dreams. Even if that meant he would be half the world away.

"When will you be leaving?" Wonho asked Kihyun.

Kihyun sighed then closed his eyes, "I'm almost finish submitting the needed paper works. So, I might be gone as soon as the Winter break starts."

It was already the last week of November, then. So, that means...

"That's two weeks from now." Changkyun said.

"What about the school? Won't you have any problem, if you won't get to finish this semester?" Hyungwon questioned.

All of them uttered the words I couldn't say, and I was grateful for that. Because it felt like all of the words I learned suddenly disappeared, in that moment.

"I already talked to our dean. He already agreed that I would transfer there."

Minhyuk scoffed, bitterly. "It looks like you got everything planned, already. You just failed to let us know earlier."

I knew that Minhyuk was taking the news as hard as I was.

He was already destined to be Kihyun's best friend before they were even born. Both of their families were close and their mothers were best friends, too. So, Minhyuk and Kihyun have always been together from the moment they were born on November of 1993.

But I also knew that it wasn't easy for Kihyun to leave just like that. I would've also taken the opportunity if there was one. So, I couldn't really blame him. The only thing I could do was to be there for him.

"Guys, come on." I began to say cheerfully, despite the pain. "What's with the long faces? It's just an internship. It would just take six-months max, right? It's not like we won't be seeing Kihyun, again."

"Besides, it's our first night together. It's not right to leave in this kind of mood. Come on, cheer up!" Jooheon added.

"Fine. Let's just take a picture so we can look back on this day full of memories of how much Kihyun ruin our first night, together." Minhyuk said.

Everyone started to laugh at Minhyuk's comment, as they started getting ready to take the picture.

I remember looking at Minhyuk's direction then, mouthing the words 'thank you' to him without anyone knowing.

Because that was the thing about Minhyuk; no matter how upset he felt, he wouldn't let himself be the reason why everyone would be put into a bad mood. In fact, he would even find a way to lift everyone's mood a little better.


	8. WRITER'S BLOCK: CHAPTER SIX

He puts the book down on the table, with hands shaking and breathing a little ragged.

He needs a drink. Not just a water or a soda. But something alcoholic.

He immediately stood up and went to the kitchen counter. He grabs a bottle of wine and didn't even bother to put it in a glass before taking a big gulp.

Then, another one.

He needs it to keep himself sane, after what he just read.

Kihyun knows that Hyunwoo usually writes based on his experiences. He got a hint on the title of the manuscript that this would not be any different.

But what he didn't expect is for him to be in that story, much more to be in the first chapter of it. Everything is just a little bit more extreme than he expected.

_He didn't even bother changing the names._ He thought to himself.

At first, he thought Hyunwoo gave it to him because he wants his next article to be a book critique. But now, he knows what this is about.

_He wants me to feel guilty._

To be fair, everything that was written in that manuscript, so far, actually happened. And even though, Kihyun's perspective of things are quite different from how Hyunwoo described it; Kihyun can confirm that every conversation in the story really took place, that night. And he even has a copy of the photo Hyunwoo mentioned, at the beginning.

But unlike Hyunwoo, he wasn't focusing on the reaction of the others. Instead, he remembers how he wished for Hyunwoo to stop him. He remembers how he said to himself that if Hyunwoo told him to stay, he would.

But he didn't stop him.

And Kihyun is actually thankful that he didn't. He wouldn't be who he is now, if not for that internship. So, he's grateful that Hyunwoo didn't think of stopping him from going there.

Of course, Kihyun can't deny that he still has a lot of what ifs in life.

What if he stayed? What if he didn't accept the promotion after that? Could things be different from what they are now? Could he have prevented everything from happening, if he just listened to Minhyuk and stayed?

He knows that dwelling in a self-made guilt isn't healthy for anyone. But the more he reads this book, the more he is convinced that he's guilty of something he's not aware of.

And maybe, this book even has the answers to the questions he's been having sleepless nights about.

All he needs to do now, is to keep reading.


	9. WHAT HAPPENS WHEN YOU LEFT

**_ 2 _ **

After Kihyun left for U.S, it felt like everything had changed.

_Or at least for me._

I spent more than half of my college life, with him. We used to do everything together. From going to school in the morning; to going back to the dorms after classes.

But after the Winter break, I suddenly had to adjust, and do everything on my own.

After he left, I was the only journalism student, among our friends. So, I had no one to go to my classes with, because my building was on the furthest side of the university.

I spent my lunch breaks with Minhyuk. But that's only when he's not busy cramming his plates and projects.

In short, I became a loner.

It didn't occur to me to make new friends with the same course. I thought I didn't need one because I already have Kihyun.

I kept telling myself that it's fine. He would be back after his internship. I just had to survive the loneliness for the time being.

So, when we had our breaks, I would go to the fountain beside the university chapel. I liked how peaceful and quiet the place was, despite being located at the center of the university.

When I was still with Kihyun, we used to spare a minute to stop by there. He would always drop a coin by the fountain, and make a wish.

I used to ask him every day what he had wished for, and there would only be one answer...

"I wished to become a famous journalist, someday."

But on the last day of class, before the Winter break started, he wished for a different thing.

********

It was a cloudy and cold day, that day.

It seemed like the world was reflecting the sadness we both felt.

The two of us were walking side by side in silence. We knew we would stop by the fountain like usual. But it would be for the last time.

We did it for years, that every action already felt like a memorized choreography for the both of us; Kihyun would reach for a coin in his pocket and he will throw it. He will close his eyes and put his hands together while wishing. Then, I will ask him the question once he’s finished.

I remember looking at him intently as he wished, that day. I was still in denial about the fact that it would be the last day that we would do our routine, together.

He didn't even have to go to school anymore because our dean already approved all his papers. He was officially a dropped out. But he still insisted that he wanted to make a wish to the fountain for the last time.

I knew it wasn't a wishing fountain from the very start. But I still played along with him, because I knew how important the fountain had become for him.

_For the both of us._

When he finally opened his eyes after making a wish. He looked back at me and he frowned, "Won't you asked me what I wished for?"

But instead of asking him, I rubbed my palms together, then I reached for his face. "Your cheeks are all red from the cold." I said with a smile.

He smiled back and put one of his hands over my own, leaning in slightly. "I wished for a different thing, today."

"Yeah? What have you wished for?" I finally asked him.

He removed both of my hands on his face and held them with his, "I wished I could stay." He replied.

It was so unusual for Kihyun to be that affectionate, that I almost believe the words he said.

But then again, it wasn't usual for me to be that affectionate, either. So, maybe, I just played along with him once again; as I pretended to believe the words he said.


	10. WRITER'S BLOCK: CHAPTER SEVEN

Kihyun lets out a heavy sigh.

Back then, it didn't matter, whether it was freezing cold or blazing with the heat of summer. It felt like the only thing that mattered was for Kihyun to make a wish to the fountain, every day.

_A wish to become a famous journalist._

But the fountain didn't become special because of his wishes. It became special because of the moments he shared with Hyunwoo, there.

Now that he thinks of it, Minhyuk was actually the one who made him discover about the fountain…

It was that time when Kihyun almost failed in one of his subjects. It was already the finals, so he didn't know what to do. When he got to mention it to Minhyuk, the other boy suggested that to pray to the chapel, at the center of the university.

Mihyuk told him that there was a famous myth among the students that every wish will be granted for whoever prays in that chapel at midnight.

Kihyun wasn't very religious, but he was desperate. So, he tried to do it, too. The only problem was that the university looks like a ghost town, every midnight. He was scared to go there alone. And he was too embarrassed to admit it to anyone.

His fear of praying at the chapel at midnight, made him discover the fountain that was just beside it; on the way to his class, one morning. He knew that it wasn't a wishing fountain, but he made it one.

He made his very own myth and it worked.

He didn't just pass the subject he almost failed, he's even one of the most trusted journalists in the media industry, now.

The only thing that didn't come true was his last wish.

Of course, he knows that he became successful because of hard work. But he still can't help but wonder that, maybe, the reason why the last wish wasn't granted was because a part of him didn't really mean what he had wished for.

_Maybe, Hyunwoo was right, all along._


	11. WHAT HAPPENS WHEN YOU LEFT

**_ 3 _ **

Towards the end of the school year, all of us became busy cramming for final exams and submitting last minute projects.

I was struggling with completing all the requirements at that time, that I really thought I was going to lose my scholarship.

Thankfully, Minhyuk helped me to sort things out.

"Here." He said, handing me a pile of notebooks.

"What's this?" I asked.

"I have a friend who also takes journalism, I asked him if I could borrow some of his notes for you. He said you can just bring them back this weekend."

My eyes were suddenly widened by shocked. I never thought that Minhyuk would do something that thoughtful for me.

"Wow, Min... Ah...I-" I stuttered.

Minhyuk looked at me then chuckled, "Don't mention it. It's nothing."

But it wasn't just _nothing._

Kihyun was the one who had always kept a planner for all of our assignments and important deadlines. He also had neat handwritten notes for all of our lectures and discussions.

It didn't cross my mind that I needed to do the same. I thought it would just be a waste of time because I could just borrow all of that from him.

I'm more of an auditory than a visual learner, anyway.

But still, after he left, it felt like a total culture shock. I had to catch up with our lessons by making sure that everything that I did was aligned with what our professors told us. I had to make notes of my own in order for me to be able to review for our exams a lot quicker.

"Why didn't you just ask for Kihyun's notes? He could've left it for you." Minhyuk asked.

Thanks to the internet, Kihyun and I still got to talk a lot, during that time. But I noticed that he became busier as months went by. I didn't want to be a bother to him. It was my responsibility as a student, anyway.

But I knew there was another reason I didn't tell him that I was struggling.

"I know it may sound pathetic. But now, I realized how much I dependent on Kihyun." I told Minhyuk.

I wanted to try to be more independent. I wanted to go back to life where I could be comfortable even without him.

_I just didn't know back then that it would lead me to where I am, right now._

"I can't blame you. It didn't even cross my mind that there will be a day that I won't see him for this long." Minhyuk said, as a reply to my confession.

Of course.

It was selfish of me to think that I was the only one missing him, while Minhyuk literally spent half of his life together with Kihyun.

"Do you miss him?" I asked.

"We all do. But I know it's different from how much you miss him." He said, giving me a small smile.

But, no matter how different it was, I am no better than them. We were all just a friend to Kihyun, at the end of the day.

"Right." I said, smiling back at him. But it was a sad one.

"Did you know that Kihyun and I were supposed to attend different schools in middle school? Kihyun was supposed to be in a private all boys school, and I was supposed to be going alone in a public school just in our town.

But I was a shy boy, back then. I didn't want to go to a school without him. So, I did a hunger strike, for three days." Minhyuk said, in a reminiscing tone.

"You what?" I scoffed.

"Yeah," He said laughing, for he knew how ridiculous it sounds. "But my family couldn't really afford sending me to a private school. Do you know what Kihyun did?"

"He transferred to your school?" I said in awe.

"Hmhmm." Minhyuk said with a tight-lip smile.

I knew Kihyun was a kind-hearted person. But I didn't know he was _that_ kind.

He gave up an opportunity of having a comfortable school just so he could be with his best friend.

"So, what I'm trying to say is you don't have to be guilty of being dependent to him." Minhyuk said, chuckling, "Because I assure you, I've done much worse than you have."

I smiled at him. I knew he was just saying that to comfort me. Minhyuk loved to bring comfort to the people around him, and I know he only did that because Kihyun is a person you could lean on.

"Besides, only three months left and he'll be back, right?" Minhyuk added.

Only three months left. That's what we all thought.


	12. WRITER'S BLOCK: CHAPTER EIGHT

_Bullshit._ He chuckled bitterly.

Kihyun doesn't know if he wants to smack Hyunwoo's head or be sorry for him.

They were both aware that he wasn't just a friend to Kihyun. They were anything but friends.

He isn't sure if Hyunwoo wrote that sentence just for dramatic effects. But he sure is, frustrated with this book.

Even though the story Minhyuk told him was real, a lot of the things that were written here are still the thoughts that Hyunwoo never told him.

Kihyun is the kind of person who wants everything in order. Therefore, he wants to have everything under his control.

He thought this book will give him the answer he needs. But every chapter just leaves him more confused and clueless than before.

"Why didn't he just ask me for those stupid notes? How come he could tell Minhyuk that he was struggling, but he couldn't say it to me? " He muttered while wiping his tears, angrily.

He didn't even notice that he already started crying.

Ever since he started reading this book a few days ago. It feels like he was back on having a puberty.

_Or more like having a menopausal stage, really._

He wants to read it fast, but not finish it at the same time. He wants to see Hyunwoo and just talk to him about all of these. But he doesn't want to see him, at the same time.

_It's frustrating._

It frustrates him that he isn't sure if everything that Hyunwoo had written in this manuscript were real. It frustrates him that he is still affected to all of the things that happened, seven years ago.

But no matter how hard he tries to keep it together; he knows he still has every right to be mad.

Hyunwoo and him talked all the time while he was in America. He said so, himself.

No matter how busy Kihyun was, he still made sure that he will always be available whenever Hyunwoo wants to talk to him.

If he could transfer from a private to a public school for his best friend, he sure as hell, could turn the world upside down for Hyunwoo.

_Well, I guess, not anymore._

The point is, he could've given up everything for Hyunwoo, back then; because he wasn't just a friend to him.

Of course, he won't deny that he also kept secrets from him. But that was more for pride than anything. And, at least, he didn't go around talking to someone else's best friend.

Or maybe he did...

_Ugh. Whatever._

He can't think straight. He is just purely blinded with anger, right now.


	13. WHAT HAPPENS WHEN YOU LEFT?

**_ 4 _ **

Summer of that year, I had to work two part-time jobs. A lifeguard in a public swimming pool during the day, and a dance instructor during the night.

I had to work hard because I had to stay in contact with Kihyun. The monthly allowance my parents were giving me wasn’t actually enough for me to do that, international calls were quite expensive, then.

Of course, I didn’t tell Kihyun that. I know he would just blame himself if he ever discovered that I had to work just for us to keep communicating.

I didn’t mind, anyway. I didn’t mind the work, if that meant I could hear his voice, even just for a while.

The only problem I really had to deal with, that summer, was my parents. I didn’t know what the issue was, but they haven’t spoken to me ever since I got back home.

That’s the thing about my family, we don’t communicate what’s wrong. We just let whatever issue we have, be fix by the time that had passed. So, silent treatment was a common thing between us.

But just because it was usual, it doesn’t mean it become less frustrating, over time. Because sometimes, you wouldn’t even know what the issue is. They just suddenly wouldn’t talk to you.

Well, it wasn’t a secret that my parents didn’t actually support most of the choices I did with my life. The most common things we fought about were my chosen course in college and my chosen sexual preference.

It wasn’t like I could choose _not_ to be gay. But they wouldn’t get it, anyway. No matter how hard I tried to explain it to them, they still think I chose to like guys instead of that girl, in our neighborhood, they wanted me to marry.

So, having two jobs just didn’t give me the money that I needed, it also helped me escape the continuous silence I was experiencing at home.

But one night, the students cancelled their dance appointment with me, so I had dinner with my parents.

Even though my parents were not good at talking about an issue, they sure, were good at making the other person they were targeting feel, that there was one.

My dad kept avoiding having eye contact with me. My mom kept putting down the plates and utensil in the table in a very rude manner.

I couldn’t bear it anymore so I finally broke the silence, “Can you please just talk to me what’s wrong?”

My parents were so surprised that they looked at one another, not being able to hide their guilt. I could even see that they were trying to pin-point who would be the one talking to me.

My dad finally cleared his throat, “Why are you working here instead of looking for an internship in Seoul?”

_As if I would’ve a choice._

My father’s business was bankrupt when I was in high school, but he didn’t tell us until I was asking him for my college tuition. I had to apply for scholarship, all of a sudden. I also had to work as a student aid to cover the half of it.

As a compromise, I chose to change my major from business to journalism. But back then, they wanted me to take business management so I could help my father run our business, in the future. But what would I help him for if the business no longer existed?

Even after all those years that had passed, they still haven’t forgiven me for it.

“I don’t have a freedom like my friends to apply for the company that I wanted.” I replied to him.

Minhyuk and Wonho stayed in our dormitory, that summer, because they were busy applying for the companies that would look good in their resumé. But there I was, a graduating student who were teaching children how to swim and dance.

My parents didn’t say anything for a long time after what I had said. I thought we were back to silent treatment, again. But then my mom said, “Where do you want to apply?”

 _In the U.S._ I replied in the back of my mind, in a heartbeat.

I wanted to apply there not because of Kihyun. It had always been my dream to become one of the writers for the TIME magazine. I talked to Kihyun about it a lot when we were still young. But he would always tell me that it’s always better to work for your own country.

_Betrayal._

He didn’t even want to work there, but he could, because his family had the money.

No matter how hard I try to hide it, I can’t still help but feel it. No matter how hard I try to say that I’m proud of Kihyun, I still can’t get rid the feeling of envy.

_Envy._

It could take you a long way. It could even make you lose the ones you already have.

_As for me, where I am right now, is where it took me._


	14. WRITER'S BLOCK: CHAPTER NINE

He can’t breathe.

He rushes to the kitchen and went straight for a glass of water.

 _Breathe in. Breathe out._ Kihyun thought while doing it.

It took him a while to calm down, that Changkyun eventually caught him having a panic attack.

“Kihyun, are you okay?” He says, then immediately walking to his side and gently rubbing his back.

But instead of calming down, Changkyun’s comfort causes him to break into sobs.

“Shh…It’s okay.” The younger boy says, bringing Kihyun into his arms.

Changkyun had been used to Kihyun’s break downs. They’ve been leaving together long enough for him to see most of the mental breakdowns Kihyun have had, even when they were still staying in the U.S.

“You’re reading that documents, again.” He tells him, referring to the manuscript he was tightly holding.

Kihyun immediately hides it into his back before Changkyun can peak at it.

“Is it that confidential?” Changkyun says, chuckling a little.

“Yea-yeah” Kihyun says, in between sobs.

Technically, it isn’t a lie. Kihyun isn’t sure if Hyunwoo wants it to be read by other people. There is clearly a reason why he just hid the manuscript for the past three years.

Changkyun gives him a pitiful smile, “Don’t work too hard, okay? I could tell by just looking at you that it’s probably one of those murder cases, again.”

Kihyun forces a laugh so Changkyun will not worry, “Yeah, it’s just too painful to read.”]

Kihyun had covered all of the news his co-workers didn't want to do, back then. Some of the stories where so bad that he developed anxiety from them. 

So, it is a pretty good excuse that this one is like that, too. 

_Besides, the effect they bring to me are basically the same._

After assuring Changkyun that he’s now doing fine, he went back to his room and releases a sigh.

 _How did we come to this?_ Kihyun thought while starring at the book in front of him.

Hyunwoo was right when he said it wasn’t Kihyun’s dream to work abroad. But what Kihyun didn’t tell him was the reason why he applied for that internship, in the first place.

He wanted to get Hyunwoo there, once he got to settle down. It was his plan to get Hyunwoo there, so he could have a chance to fulfill his own dream.

He never told anyone about it, not even Minhyuk. And now, he realizes how much it was a mistake not telling anyone, especially Hyunwoo.

He can’t even imagine what Hyunwoo must’ve felt. He bet Hyunwoo thought Kihyun was mocking him for not being able to afford an internship in the U.S, when all Kihyun ever wanted was to be helped him achieve his dream.

_Miscommunication._

They always talked during that time he was there. But now, he realizes that they never really talked about what was really important.

They were dumb for thinking that hearing each other’s voices were enough, when they could’ve talked about all the things that could make their relationship worked.

They were no better than Hyunwoo’s parents. All those nonsense talks were no better than the silent treatments Hyunwoo’s parents were giving him. If only they have talked about what they really feel, they could’ve spare each other the pains they were feeling and still keep feeling, until now.

They could’ve had it all.

But they were too oblivious to know because they thought their feelings for each other was already enough to make everything work.

They could’ve had it all. But they lose everything, instead. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I made an outline for this story. Apparently, there are still 41 chapters left. Lmao rip brain.


End file.
